Dear Barbie,

You are plastic and ugly. And your stupid friends with you are plastic and ugly too. You see, the thing is, i have a mom car, but that's okay because a) i know it and b) i'm probably 10 years closer to being a mom than you are and c) your car isn't even supposed to look like a mom car, but it does anyways. But i digress...

Next time you feel the need to be ugly to someone at 7:30 in the morning--in the Starbucks line no less, hello! obviously i hadn't even had my caffeine fix yet!--, make sure they are stupider and uglier than you. Because if i ever see your scrawny, anorexic butt and fake hair again, i will pop your head off, just like i used to do to my barbies (who, by the way, were much prettier and nicer than you-- even after having their hands half chewed off, etc.)

I will give you half a point, though, for being smart enough to bugger off before i got out of my car and over to yours and shoved a bar of soap in your dirty mouth. I say good-day to you. Actually, I hope you have a lousy day.

Sincerely,
Janie

Belching

Burping is disgusting. SM, please stop.

i heart boating

Andrew and I (Anika was the photographer; i highly recommend her)






Anika and Jacob (great coife!)








Captain JM and my cool hair.

Close Call

I'm serious, iif, we came way too close for comfort to the end of soulmatism last night.

It all started with the soulmate in question dressing up like a wolf is sheep's clothing and asking me if i wanted to use this joint stuff on my back. (Now, granted, i had been winching and whining all day about my sore back. The said sore back was due to our vigorous and perilous boating adventures on sunday, coupled with trying to sleep on my 'new' wretched bed. But i digress...) Being the sweet, innocent, and perhaps somewhat naive girl that i am, i believed this alleged bff and put this stuff all over my back.

Shortly after, i was like, "egad! my back is on fire!"

This proclamation was met with an out of control (and self admittedly evil) guffaw from the instigator, who then proceeded to tell me that she had used the same stuff the other night and woke up two or three times during the night because her back was on fire!! Seriously, people, if this isn't grounds for anathema, then the fact that she continued to laugh her head off about it for the next half hour, while i writhed in pain, certainly is!

I'm not sure how i feel about all this.
Andrew, i'm suspicious that you are her supplier.
Anika, you're lucky that your laugh is contagious.

Happiness Pie

I am a happy girl. I suppose after last week, we could only go up from there. But seriously, life is good. Consider the following happy things:

• i got to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory... a most excellent and very entertaining film
• i got to go to the states with the girls and go shopping... and i didn't declare anything (i learned my lesson last time when i had to pay 50% tax and duty on everything). haha, suckas!
• i got to go boating with anika (the bestest friend ever in the whole history of the earth), andrew (the funniest boy ever in the whole history of the earth), and jm (the grumpiest boy ever in the whole history of the earth-- jm, if you are reading this, i'm just joking, please still take us camping next weekend :))... good times. *sigh*
• mouse and ani came over for a rousing round of "hiss" and CSI
• karen, kathy, anika, and i laughed our heads off all night talking about life
• i picked up a rail from BFM (cheap thrift store), so i can now put together and sleep on a real, live bed!!
• i got to see mary-jo, my cousin from alberta, and her new husband, ed, who is quite fantastic... if i didn't love them so much, i'd vomit from how sickeningly cute and perfect they are together
• i am currently sitting at my old desk at our head office (therefore, i didn't have to drive into vancouver today and sit like a veal all by myself), drinking a London Fog and thinking happy thoughts.
• today is friday, and this weekend is supposed to be SUNNY!

aniiiiiKA!

Grrr... this was supposed to be the "nice" picture, lady!! Were you even invited into this picture?! That's it. This means war.

:) jk, i think you're fantastic. and very funny.

Reason No. 482...

... why i hate Leo.

I can't believe it! I thought my aunt was coming back on Monday, but noooo, Jane didn't look at the dates right... Dear old auntie isn't coming back until next Monday. Therefore, I must put up with the cat for another whole week. (Well, only five days now, but still!)

So, back to reason number 482: My Sunday Mis-adventure.

We made plans to go boating on Sunday, so i decided to get up early and go meet my sister at church. (She's working at a camp all summer and isn't allowed off the funny farm, except to bring all the students to church.) I got all ready to go and then went to close the sliding door that goes out to the miniscule back balcony. Leo (the evil cat) was outside, so i kindly called him to come inside. (He is an inside cat, but likes to sit on the balcony sometimes. I locked him outside last week b/c he was driving me to drink.)

He came scrambling across the rail, and promptly slid off the balcony, into the neighbours bushes below. Now being the idiot, inside cat that he is, Leo(tec) cannot get back up onto the balcony if his life depended on it. So, instead of leaving him stranded for the day, i decided to brave an interaction with the crazy old ladies below and try to retrieve Leo(tec).

Bitter-sweet: the 'people under the stairs' weren't home, so i didn't have to talk to them. However, this left me no choice but to try and fish Leo(tec) out on my own. Here is Jane, trying to squish her (rather voluptuous) body between the shed and fence-- a space that only her arm would comfortably go through. Then i had to scale the fence at the other end of the yard. Now, normally, this would be a part of my regular work out, but that morning, i was wearing a skirt and flip flops. Not exactly mountaineering equipment.

Finally, i landed in the scary neighbours yard and spotted Leo(tec). Of course, being the intelligent creature that he is, he thought it would be a good plan to take off and make me run around the teeny yard in circles, trying to catch the little bugger. Finally, i grabbed him and held him up against me as i attempted to fall back over the fence and squeeze back through the ever-narrowing fence/shed corridor.

Of course, having to go through that contortionism again was bad enough, but i also had the added pleasure of Leo(tec) trying to escape my embrace by constantly wiggling, hissing, and scratching at me. *sigh* Could things get any worse?

Why yes, yes they could. As i stepped back over the bar between the shed and the fence, i couldn't see around the psycho fur-ball in my arms and so my foot landed squarely on an old board with-- yep, you guessed it-- a rusty nail portruding from it! Yay. Sadly, my $4 walmart flip flops did not protect me from the mean pointy metal.

As i come out from the bushes, looking like a disheveled crazy lady, limping along with an even crazier cat in my arms (still ferociously attacking me), a stupid old lady walking her dog looks at me like i'm some sort of criminal and says, "Boy, that cat sure doesn't like you." YA THINK?! Well, the feeling is certainly mutual!

After i safely deposited Leo(tec) back inside, i had to get ready for church all over again b/c i certainly couldn't show up with a coat of Leo(tec)'s disgusting long black hair plastered to my now sweaty top. I was late for church, but had a beautiful, fun and exciting day after that!

As a side note, Leo(tec) hasn't eaten since that day. Well, except the treats that i keep adding to his food dish. But at least he's drinking still. So, ya, he should be able to survive until next week when my aunt finally returns home. (Hopefully with a lot of great presents for me. If she brings something back for the cat, but not for me, i'm going to steal the bricks from her house one by one!)

Tune in next time to hear reason number 483 of "why i hate leo(tec)"

I don't like being 'It'

How many books do you own?
-Hundreds. (sadly, a couple of dozen of them i haven't even read.)

What is the last book you bought?
-Bono in Conversation *sigh* [minus the little French man, it really is the ultimate in reading excitement.]


What’s the one book that you can’t wait to read?
-Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller. (One of the books that i already own, but haven't read yet.) It's kinda a sequal to Blue Like Jazz, so it has to be great.


What 5 books are most important to you? (In no particular order...)

1. My Bible. It's cool to look back and see my scribbles about life and God's and stuff, even when i don't feel like reading it.
2. My 'Memories Journal' from my dad. (Sorry, dad, but thanks). I coerced him into writing out one of those journals that you fill out and give to your kids. It's all about his childhood and mine and his thoughts about me. It's so fantastic and makes me cry every time i read it. I'm a lucky girl.
3. Love You Forever by Robert Munsch.
4. The Sacred Romance by John Eldredge and Brent Curtis.
5. My journal. The safest place to be honest. It often settles the chaotic whirlwind of thoughts that i entertain-- sometimes against my will.
6. I know i'm only allowed five, but i like to rebel, and i must give an honorable mention to my friend Max who practically reads my mind and then writes books about exactly what i need. If i'm frustrated or upset, he always has the right thing to say to me. Thanks Max.

Well, now that that's done... Oh yes, i'm supposed to "tag" someone. Too bad the only person who reads my blog (anika) is the one who got me. Well, if anybody else reads this (and wants to save my Canadian bacon) please be 'it' ['it' duties include copying and pasting this post to your own blog and filling in the answers. see? simple! do it do it.] and leave a comment with a link to your post. Thank you and good day.

Trampoline Hot Tubs

(for nikol) if you don't have a hot tub, you can always make your own (we make trampoline hot tubs all the time-- and, no we are not rednecks):

-put 100lb weights in the middle of an old school trampoline (sans holes in the tarp)
-add one tankful of boiling hot water (you can connect a garden hose directly to the hot water tank, even if it's inside)
-remove the weights, once there is enough water to fully immerse yourself in
-borrow gramma's canning pots and leave them on the stove to keep the hot water coming
-[if it's a chilly night, have an eccentric and socially inept friend construct a large dome over the trampoline hot tub with doweling and plastic from Home Depot]
-bring a few friends, suit up, and enjoy!

Disclaimer: when hot water is being added via the hose (after the hot water tank has heated up again), stay away from the nozzle!! fire enemas are not our friends.

My Aunt Rocks

Okay, so my 40-something auntie emails me and asks me if i can show her and her friends how to line dance. Sure, no worries. Only problem being that i'm housesitting and there's not enough room here. So i tell them that i will go with them to Gabby's, where there's line dancing lessons on Thursday nights. Okay, no worries.

Jane didn't think about MountainFest. Obviously there is nobody at Gabby's b/c the girl who teaches the lessons is at MountainFest. Duh. Well, okay, calm down. We can figure it out. I teach my captive pupils (five in total) how to do the one line dance i remember from high school. (Thank you Ms. Chesley).

However, after doing the same dance 17 times, it's no longer fun. My pupils are becoming more demanding and want to learn a new dance... a better dance... that dance! Jane does not remember all the steps in that dance. The stupid "regulars" at the table next to us don't want to help us. Psha! Whatever. We don't need you stupid girls.

So after bustin' out with a few of our own moves, we call it a night. Besides, the not-so-hot girl with the "your boyfriend thinks i'm hot" shirt vacuumed packed against her body with her dental floss hanging out of her pants was giving me the creeps by making eye contact with me whilst doing a nasty dirt dance by herself on the dance floor. Yikes. I'm outta here!

In conclusion: My aunt is very cool. Her friends make me laugh. I am not the cool dancer i'd like to be. I don't like alcohol. My sm totally represented by showing up to morally support me. *heart*

"special"

Who says we're not normal?!?!

Here are some of the beautiful flowers i got. (My eyes aren't normally so squinty). And, no, we don't have enough money to buy a vase, but no worries, we just won't drink o.j. for a week. :)

Every little thing is gonna be alright

Today was a crap day.

I was having a pity party for myself and was just about to move on to the next item on the agenda, which incidentally, was "crying," when into my office walked Ingrid.

Now, Ingrid has a way of cheering up everybody's day. She is the most amazing, caring, encouraging, helpful, sincere pastor that i know. I've worked under her for the last two years. I don't work for her, but my office is in the building beside hers and most of my clients go to her church. Today, she really outdid herself. She had no way of knowing that i was having a crap day, but somehow she did because...

In her hands was a beautiful bouquet of THIRTY long stem roses, just for me! I couldn't believe it. I had no clue what i had done (or what someone had mistakenly given me credit for doing) to receive such a beautiful gift, but she just said, "i really appreciate you." *SIGH* How sweet is that?! And then, to top it all off, she told me to go home!

So here i go...

The End is Near

Ahhh, only four more sleeps until my dear, darling auntie decides to come and rescue Leo. And just when i was almost starting to enjoy the disgusting feline.

Anika and i played a fun game last night: hiss. It's really quite entertaining. Every time Leo would walk past us (or in the same room, or basically anywhere that we thought he could hear us) we would both HISS really loud and freak him right out.

And it's such a mystery why he doesn't like me.

Sadly, i'm sure i'm going to have to pay a high price for our harmless little teasing by cleaning up after the dirty bugger when i get home from work today. Oh well, i'm sure he'd have made a big mess everywhere anyways, so i might as well have gotten some entertainment out of it.

Williams Park, cont.

Yes, here we are, hard at work. Oh, and it was actually much sunnier than it looks here. And we actually did do all the work for the picnic part. (And, sadly, yes, that is the bench i tried to sit down on and instead went flailing off the end, a la clum).

Aw, what cute little kidlets.

Good thing we brought some boys along to supervise, while us girls were... erm, hard at work...

Fabulous Weekend

I must say, i had a fabulous weekend!!

Highlights include:

• watching Kingdom of Heaven (finally!). it was absolutely fantastic.
• going to Wonderland and playing mini-golf (for free. ah-ah-ah.)
• having a gloriously lazy saturday morning.
• plotting against evil. bwahaha
• creating a delicious feast on saturday night.
• going to lil' church on sunday morning. quite excellent, in spite of the rather embarassing ruckuses caused by those associated with us.
• taking a picnic to Williams Park with nine friends and seven kids. good times.
• watching a scary movie (Hostage-- Mars is way too creepy) with sm.
• updating my blog :)

*sigh* could a girl ask for anything more?!

I HATE CATS

subtitle: Leo must die.

Cats are not my friends. They never have been. They never will be.

However, i can honestly say that i have slowed down for the disgusting felines before. Never again.

Today is the second time, in the last three days, that i've had to clean up after the stupid thing.

It's bad enough that i'm not getting paid to be here.
It's bad enough that there's no food in the house.
It's bad enough that crazy people live downstairs.
It's bad enough that i have to clean out the disgusting litter box everyday.
It's bad enough that i have to vaccum everyday b/c the stupid thing sheds so much.
It's bad enough that i have to do twelve loads of laundry a week b/c he touches my clothes.
I DON'T NEED TO CLEAN UP PUKE AND CRAP FROM THE FLOOR EVERY GAWSH DARN DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One of us has got to go. And since i've already locked Leo out on the balcony, it might as well be him. Adios sucka!

Pesky Annoyances

I know people don't appreciate listening to me winch and whine about things, but this is MY blog, so buzz off.

Things that are vexing to me:

1. My aunt chose to not leave me any money or food for the three weeks she went on holidays.
2. My aunt's cat is evil and always plotting against me. (This includes, but is not limited to, meowing incessantly; mistaking me for someone who cares and rubbing his disgusting long black haired body against my leg *dry heave*; puking up a hair ball AND crapping on the carpet on the same day-- equals one day locked in the bathroom; needing to be fed and watered daily, etc.)
3. My proposal is a month over due and hanging over my head like a guillotine. (Thankfully my boss is away for 6 wks, so we can stay the execution for a bit).
4. Kingdom of Heaven has been out for two months, and is now only playing at the cheap theatre, and i still haven't seen it.
5. Boys are a conundrum and my overanalyzing imagination drives me to drink.
6. My house does not finish renovating itself.
7. I am a cripple. I pulled a muscle in my leg and can barely hobble along. And, i have four, yes, count them, one two three four little baby paper cuts on my fingers. They sting like crazy and i have no idea how i keep getting them. (Maybe it's the cat!)
8. I haven't been boating for two weeks, and can't go this weekend either.
9. It's raining outside. I like rain, a lot, but not today.
10. There was too much rain in the Okanagan this spring and all the cherries are split or icky. My small world revolves around eating cherries for the first two weeks of July.

Well, that's enough for now. Quick, somebody call a waaaaaaaahh-mbulance!

Sad excuses

in the words of jacques, "iamashamed"

i confess that i am a sad excuse for a blogger. i'd like to be able to honestly say that i haven't posted in forever b/c i've been so busy at work. this is simply not true.

rather than get all moral and start feeling bad about my horrible work ethic these days, i think i will pass the buck and highlight some other rather poor excuses that come to mind.

1. My dad's latest (see frightening pic below) is a sad excuse for a stepmom. [Of course, we would never even think of her as that. My dad's first wife is my mom, his second wife was my stepmom, and after that, we just went downhill from there.]
2. Boyfriends are a sad excuse for any kind of meaningful relationship.
3. I (apprently, although i am not quite convinced) am a sad excuse for a housesitter. [Supported by the fact that my aunt asked me to look after her evil, hairy, plotting feline for a month, but didn't leave ANY food or money. I kid you not; i almost feel like leaving her some food bank stamps. I mean, seriously, our cupboards weren't even that empty on moving day!]
4. Sylvia (my beautiful ride) is a sad excuse for a sports car. But we love her just the same.
5. Taking me out for coffee or coming over to watch a movie is a sad excuse for a date.

Too be continued... (my intern just got here. i must show her how to excel at this job, so i can work less, bwahaha)