Dear Barbie,

You are plastic and ugly. And your stupid friends with you are plastic and ugly too. You see, the thing is, i have a mom car, but that's okay because a) i know it and b) i'm probably 10 years closer to being a mom than you are and c) your car isn't even supposed to look like a mom car, but it does anyways. But i digress...

Next time you feel the need to be ugly to someone at 7:30 in the morning--in the Starbucks line no less, hello! obviously i hadn't even had my caffeine fix yet!--, make sure they are stupider and uglier than you. Because if i ever see your scrawny, anorexic butt and fake hair again, i will pop your head off, just like i used to do to my barbies (who, by the way, were much prettier and nicer than you-- even after having their hands half chewed off, etc.)

I will give you half a point, though, for being smart enough to bugger off before i got out of my car and over to yours and shoved a bar of soap in your dirty mouth. I say good-day to you. Actually, I hope you have a lousy day.

Sincerely,
Janie